Golimar! - What you get with a budget of $5 and a pack of gum

The more frequent visitors to EA will know it's been a little while. Hi. How are you all? I've been keeping myself busy training for "the event," of which I'll mention later. I've also been inspired to create, recently submitting an anecdote of my life for publication and placing the finishing touches on my first music video cover of a classic song. It's not really a foreign language; I just didn't know the words and was kind of baked. Hey, what do you expect for $5? Want some gum?

Peace, Love, Prosperity

Merry Christmas, everyone. Or Shalom, or blahhalla blub vreebprupta or whatever your particular religious flavor is. I sincerely hope you find on this day all the joy and happiness that you seek the rest the year through.

I've got a ton of posts in the queue. Isn't that a funny word "queue?" It's like the kind of word you try to pass off when you're short of ideas in Scrabble. heh. Anyway, I'm still laying low for the day, but I'll pick it up again soon. I'd use this opportunity to beg Dyck not to dump me from his sidebar but I'm already not on his sidebar so I've got nothing to lose.

Merry Christmas, all. Peace, Love, Prosperity; and the Life to find them all.

Oh, and PS: can someone tell me why when you hold down the Shift key and use the arrow keys to highlight the entire text, moving past the first character deletes the entire post? I can't prove it, but it's got to be a conspiracy of the Man.

Pie-holicus-enorm-ucus

*UPDATE* Let me restate something about what I wrote last time. Sometimes what I mean gets lost in the speach. Count that one more reason why I'm not Hemingway. When I said "could that be because she doesn't want it, but doesn't want to say so?" I should have said "I WOULD BE VERY HAPPY IF this means she doesn't want it." She's been crystal clear: she wants a divorce. I don't. While it hurts more than anything in my life to realize this of her, it doesn't make her wrong. Nor does it make me wrong for deciding to defend our marriage. What I need to do is make my statements as information about ME, not speculation about her. Just wanted to make that more clear. I'm tired of hurting her. I'm not a mean guy; at least I try so very hard not to be. Maybe I lash out when I'm hurt and don't stay aware enough to recognize that I am. I feel as if I can say 100 genuine words, but if one is perceived badly it's as if I never said the other 99. You've heard it honey, but it's true: I don't want to hurt you or be mean to you- not EVER- and I'm sorry I have. Change is not an overnight event. I think I don't really even know her. Oh I've spent a lot of time trying to make her be what I thought she should be, but did I ever really get to know the woman she is? No, I don't think I have. *sigh* Too many expectations, is what I've had.
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Turning Point?

Hey everyone-


I'm laying low. Thanks so much for all your comments and offers of support. I don't know if she still reads this blog and if she does she never lets on, but I wanted to drop in to let you all know -should you be wondering- that I've come to a decision.

We talked tonight. When we started I told her I'd decided I just can't live for years feeling so disconnected from her but still being married, so I was going to file for divorce tomorrow. She asked if I knew where to go. I told her no, because I don't want this at all. Then we started talking. No accusations thrown about and for the first time it was intense without turning into a fight or a litany of who did what to whom. That's a big step for us. While she never let on (because she's reached the point where she doesn't know what to expect), I think she still wants it to work but just has no faith that it will. I hope I'm not wrong, but I think she loves me but feels afraid to give me positive signs because I latch onto them as proof that everything will be fine and then, when she does something to tarnish that hope (correction: something I perceive as tarnishing that hope) I swing the other way into despair. And the roller coaster ride that has become our relationship has pushed her to the point where she almost doesn't care if what she does hurts me. I think that if we'd had more communication both of us may have acted very differently.

The fact is: I love her. I've never stopped loving her. I feel as strongly for her today as I did when we married. I'm also an emotionally expressive person who too often has allowed his feelings to direct his actions. Tonight I laid myself bare without making it sound like an indictment against her. I sincerely told her I'm sorry for everything and that I still love her dearly. And that I do NOT want a divorce.

We had dinner together and it seems we both felt comfortable -somewhat- around each other. I asked her to watch a movie with me and she said maybe, but when she didn't come down I didn't take that as a sign of rejection. That was a big step for me. She was noncommittal, but I understand why. Tonight was good, but she has no faith that it has staying power. She's seen me act one way yet tell her I felt another. I suppose we both have to some degree. For my part I've been more focused on my own pain than figuring out what she needed.

So I made a choice tonight. I'm making one last ditch stand for my marriage, for a whole laundry list of reasons. Regardless of what she decides to do, I've decided to start acting like the man I know I am. She doesn't have to believe it, but I love her. No one will ever love her more and while I've done a piss poor job of showing it, I've always respected her as well. So... I put my ring back on. And I'm going to try to think more about her than my feelings. For the first time in months, I felt good around her. If she ultimately decides to divorce me anyway (in which she said she's in no hurry; could that be because she doesn't want it, but doesn't want to say so? We'll see) then I'll remove my ring for good. As of right now, we're still married, and I'm still in love with her and feel lucky that she ever picked me in the first place. I can't feel that way but act like we're divorced; so the ring stays on until this is settled. I'm not a religious man, blogosphere friends, but I found myself muttering a clumsy prayer when I put this ring on a couple hours ago, that I never, not ever, have to remove it again.

Thanks so much for your well wishes everyone. It's a great comfort to know there are people out there with whom I can share.

And Now, We Take You Over to the Peanut Gallery

Say, while I'm working on the post about my upcoming adventure, aka the "thing" I've been mysteriously hinting at, does anyone have any question they'd like to ask ol' EA? Anything at all? The floor is wide open. Feel free to inquire about my person, my family, my sexual proclivities (although I might lie to make them sound more amazing than they are), my trip "inside," my political/religious viewpoints (and oh, there are many), whatever. Here's your chance. Make it good.

**UPDATE**: The trend seems to be about the prison experience. heh. So yeah, feel free to ask anything you want to know about it. I can't absolutely guarantee I'll answer it, but there would be very few things about it that I won't. Let me preemptively answer one question: No Dyck, I was not ass raped. Now ask me if I did some ass raping. heh.

Terra Incongnita

I'm around people. Make that I'm around -comma- people. Of course I'm around people too; it's not like I'm a hermit or something, but now that this already ranks as a 9.6 on the stupidshit-o-meter, let's just stop this line of thought before it even gets off the ground.

I'm feeling confused a lot lately. I don't know how to do what I've been asked to do. I feel dismissed and discarded, and I'm reminded of it every day. Yet nevertheless I want to come through; for the kids and her. She may not hold me in her heart any longer, but dammit she had years to "egress" me (yeah, the sense of humor's not dead yet) from her heart; I'm still early in year one of that process. Maybe in six years I'll feel as she does today. I suppose the hardest thing to handle is feeling as if even my existence doesn't matter so much; not that she wishes ill upon me, but that she just doesn't think about me; like navel lint or Bananarama. And if I'm wrong - as I'm sure she'd say I am - she never lets on that this isn't the case, so how am I to know? Isn't it at least understandable that I'd get this impression since I have no evidence to the contrary? It's hard to accept feeling inconsequential by someone. Fuck, I grew up with someone who treated me that way; I never thought I'd feel that same indifference in my adulthood. I've read in a couple places recently that one should "never make a priority out of someone who won't even consider you an option." But I find that's harder to do when you still have very strong feelings for that someone.

So the long and short of it is that I'm not posting this week because, well, do you really care about my woes? Really? Right, of course not. Why would you? I could be anyone really, isn't that right? And we all suffer the slings and arrows life lobs our way, so why come to EA to hear the mindless diatribe of someone you don't even know? It's like living in Albuquerque but watching the local news from Bozeman. So, no post is good news, or something like that. I may be incoherent, but I have an out because I'm also a little baked. Now all I need is someone with whom to share it. And that's you -comma- people. Don't you feel honored?

I go through my day-to-day, somehow stringing together whatever's required to tie sunrise to sunset, never letting on to the world around me that I feel a gaping hole inside. I arrive to work in the morning, tossing salutations to those I pass via the thin lipped eyebrow raise as I wend my way through the cubicle farm to my own domain: the tiny kingdom of Gemeinschaft, of which I am the supreme ruler. My loyal subjects are her-schtapler and frau-holepunchten. Apparently we're Bavarian. Who knew?

Anyway, I try to write something here and there, but as I sit at my computer, I stare at the blinking cursor and it just stares right back. Ok, actually it blinks right back at the frequency of 70 blinks per minute. And posts not inspired are posts that my daughter's rat would be embarrassed to have lining her cage.

Oh, you know what I read today? A medical report that claims bar-b-queuing is bad for your prostate. Imagine my dismay: here I had plans to BBQ my prostate this weekend and now I can't, at least if you believe the brainiacs who wrote the report. I guess I'll just have a steak instead.

And as a side note, do you realize that "embargo" spelled backwards is "o-grab-me?" That's not an important fact, just something I remembered and in my mild inebriation it made me chuckle. But then again, I also snicker every time I hear, say, or think of the word "pork." And yes, I just chuckled when I wrote it.

Beyond the sham that is my level-headedness right now, I have to say I need something. I crave intimacy. All I've ever wanted was to feel desired. I never thought that was too much to ask. My mistake was in trying to force it. I should have asked more questions and made fewer demands. Now the tatoo on my arm will remind me for the rest of my life what's been torn from me. Fuck, that really hurts. More than I'm intelligent enough to articulate. There have been times over this last several months that I've stood in silent anguish, watching her just walking away, wondering how she can cast to the fire what had been, to me, a successful marriage, and I'm left with the feeling that if my chest were a cannon it would have blasted my heart into the empty chasm between us. I know you can't fill that gaping wound with alcohol, but I'm trying. Ok ok, not really all that hard, but I have to admit I understand that compulsion of addicts and alcoholics, even though my sense of responsibility overrides my overwhelming desire to just tune out for a while.

I need something big; something to remind me of who I am; what I'm able to do. And I've got something in mind, but I'm not going to share it; not just yet. I've got some checking to do before I know if I'm even going to be able to make it work, then I'll share. Of course you, my friends, won't think it's all that big a deal most likely, but to me... I need this. I feel like I've been wrong; so wrong for so long. And just when I thought I was about to embark on the greatest adventure of my life (aside from parenthood), the ground fell out from beneath my feet. I need to figure out how to get that back.

Move along folks, nothing to see here...