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Effortlessly Average

Sort of half-heartedly leading the charge into mediocrity since, oh, let's say around 1987 or so.

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Location: Roaming (additional charges may apply), Argentina

Proof that with internet access and a powerful laxative, even insipid people will blog; the place where your excellence and my mediocrity collide; where my Karma whips ass on your dogma.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Why Budget Charged Me for the Damage Waiver

So one of the things I enjoy doing when I'm out of town is taking road trips in my rental cars. I have unlimited miles and often upgrade to the more exciting vehicles. On that note, though, if anyone from Budget Rent-a-Car is reading this, can you please, for the love of Christ, tell me why, when I upgrade to a premium car, you think that means I want something that screams "old" and "conservative?" In other words, why do you always insist on trying to rent me the Grand Marquis or Buick Lucerne after I've just walked past row upon row of more sporty, sexier choices? I mean, do I have a sign on me that reads, "this guy must want the fat, middle-aged, conservative car that..." wait. Nevermind. Anyway, road trips. In northern California, road trips are simple, relaxing, and fun. There seems to be no limit to the places one can roam once you get out of the hustle and bustle of the bay area. In southern California, this is much more difficult. First of all, everyone and their mother -and sometimes even someone else's mother - is on the road, making something so simple as going down the street for a gallon of milk a major trek. When going anywhere in L.A. there are three levels of time that apply:

  • A quick jaunt. This is for trips of under an hour and would apply to such activities as checking the mail, walking to the bus stop, or starring in a show on the WB's fall lineup.
  • A hearty adventure, meaning commutes to and from work, trying to get anywhere downtown, or perhaps starring in NBC's fall lineup. And finally,
  • Packing a tent and hiring a Sherpa, because you're going to be gone a while.

Normally I shy away from the road trips when I'm in SoCal because I hate having spent two hours on the road and still not having reached the city limits. Last week was different. I heard Drew Barrymore was accepting applications for her next husband and I'd always had a thing for women with tattoos and brown eyes, so I ventured out, even though it meant traveling the ever-nightmarish 405. Still, I figured what the hell, when I lived in L.A. some years ago, Drew and I exchanged pleasantries and smiles while sharing a pump at a gas station in Malibu, so surely I've got a leg up right? Right? You can imagine my surprise when I hit the freeway en route to my next wedded bliss, my Sherpa, Lapka, resting a protective hand on my North Face tent, and found the southbound 405 completely deserted. It was just me and Lapka in my rented SUV, with a full tank of gas and a dream, venturing down the empty freeway toward my next true love. The only thing that could have made it more perfect would be a Rascal Flats song. Lapka can't sing, just so you know.

The point is, we'd found Nerdvanna: an empty freeway during Los Angeles rush hour. Here's why. Maybe some of you saw the news coverage. Oh, and as a side note: can you believe AA sent me a bill for $25 for being a checked bag?

*EDITOR'S NOTE: No I don't know why the sound didn't load with the video. Fuck it.

*EDITOR'S NOTE II: Ok, now the sound works. Clearly I'm either my computer's possessed or I'm being punked. Go figure.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Blogger Sux, or, What Happened to the Checked Luggage Post

So I had this funny and true story all prepared. Just like all my posts. This one, however, contained an embedded video that according to that little button riiiiiggght up there that I can see right now as I type this, I should be able to load from my computer.


Despite the fact that all appears to be all good and well when I upload said video clip of the coverage, publishing the post and subsequently going out to click on the icon to play said video produces a blank box that simply buffers away endlessly until you finally can't take it any more and bail. Much like several jobs I've had and, humorously, the way I'm sure several women have felt about me.

Anyway, without the video, the story makes little sense. And if I'm going to maintain my superior- er, I mean substandard position in this blogosphere, I thought it best to remove the post until I could fix the issue. Although, now that I think about it, posting it as is might actually help aid my standing more.

So, there you have it. Patience, people. heh.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Some Meme Time

So I'm into lazy blogging again. I'm sure it seems that I'm doing it a lot lately. But my plan is to run my last reader off asap, much like I do the women who express a shred of interest in me. My excuse today is that I'm in the airport yet again on yet another odyssey for The Man and don't want to drag y'all from your internet porn search for very long.

Despite the fact that something like fifteen of my last twelve posts have been memes, I'm nothing if not methodical when it comes to hammering out my to-do list. It took me forever to read those 700 entries on my RSS feeder and damn, some bloggers can really fill up page after page with what can be said in a few sentences. I should know; I do the same.

Now that I have them all read, I've got to catch up on a couple tags. This one is from this Phat Kat, that vixen from down under who could post about the size and consistency of her last bowel movement and 40,000 people would ping in to read. Plus, it's a meme about one of my favorite subjects: sex. Well, maybe not my favorite, but it's right up there with... oh, who am I kidding, it's basically my favorite.

I still have one more lazy blog (aka, meme) to complete and I'm sure I could just as easily claim that being having such an average mind, I forgot, but since it's been tasked me by a woman with a rack that just screams "motorboat," I'm going to put forth the effort to complete that last meme in a pitiful belief that it'll be so moving to her that she'll want to show me said rack. Yeah, and monkeys might fly out my butt, right?

This is more of a "get to know you" kinda thing. So just feel free to read on and discover why I'm not expected to get any action for many moons to come.

  1. Sex in the Morning or Sex at Night? Considering how long it's been, I'd take it anytime, anywhere. But I'll admit sex in the morning is a fine way to start the day, especially if the previous night ended with getting laid. I'm also partial to middle of the night barely awake sex, boning in the shower, stairway sex, a quickie in the coat closet during the Christmas party, and the ever popular "nooner."

  2. Better Sex Music - Sade or Marvin Gaye? Well, I'm all for respecting the talent and influence ol' Marvin had on the world of soul and R&B, but really, it's hard for me to get into the mood while listening to a guy named "Gaye." Personally I think I'd prefer George Winston or some kind of tribal chant to the god of mysterious virility, Jack Nicholson.

  3. Naughty Pics or Naughty Home Videos? Both, but I think the video is hotter. I'm all for live action. Or, we could just take a series of still shots and flip through them like one of those stick figure stories you used to draw in the 7th grade when you should have been paying attention in Social Studies.

  4. Fabulous Sex With: Dr Doug Ross or Dr Greg House? Um, either of those choices would mean I'd have suddenly decided to go inboard. And that would be a big negatory. Now if you want to throw a little Eva Mendez or Jenny McCarthy or Nell McAndrew in there, then I'll say I'd give up one of my three testicles to have ten minutes with any of the three of them.

  5. Vibrator or Dildo? Well, my answer to this presumes that I'm USING them on a woman, not having either used on me. So, that out of the way, let me say that I do this thing with a vibrator and my tongue that... well, let's just say I've had no complaints.

  6. Bedroom Sex: Lights Off or Lights On? On. Definitely on. And if there's a mirror somewhere where having those lights on allows a different view... well, so much the better!

  7. Word Preference: Pussy or Cunt? Honestly? I can't say I like either. But I really don't like cunt. I mean I really don't like it. To me that's a vulgar word that's used to demean a woman. Now pussy I can get into (heh, pun intended), but I might start giggling. How about Whisker Biscuit instead? Fuzzy Doughnut? Tube Steak Wallet? Geez, you're so picky.

  8. Spanking Over the Knee or Spanking Only During Sex? Well, I guess I don't really care, but it might be hard for me to concentrate which someone smacking my ass. Or did you mean I'm spanking her?

  9. More Exciting: Sex in an Elevator or Sex in an Airplane? Done the elevator thing. Never the plane thing. Also done the movie theater thing. And the park thing. Frankly, there ain't no way I'm doing it in an airplane lavatory. Have you SEEN one of those things lately? I swear every man who uses one just whips it out and lets it fly around like an unattended fire hose. And I'm sure some of the women I've seen go in there do, too.

  10. Ron Jeremy or Peter North? Um, why would I care about this? Other than to remind myself that I'm so inadequate compared to either? Of course, Ron's just a sleazy pig anyway, so I think I've got him beat in just about every category except dipstick length.

  11. Linda Lovelace or Jenna Jameson? Ugh. Do I have to pick only between these two? How about if I instead give them Ron Jeremy's dick and they can do each other? Besides, look at my choices here: one's a deadbeat, overexposed, corpse of a porn star and the other's Linda Lovelace. Frankly I'd rather nail Hillary. Ok, maybe that's a bit extreme, but you know what I mean, right?

  12. Rope Bondage or Bondage Tape? What ever happened to the silk tie? Is this what the kids are doing nowadays? Isn't "rope" and "bondage" sort of redundant? Well, I suppose you could use rope to lash your beer cooler to your lawn tractor... Still isn't sex supposed to be fun?! Rope burns or uprooted hair when removing tape doesn't sound like much fun for her. Or me. Or Hillary.

  13. Give Rim Job or Receive Anal Sex? Huh boy, another knee to the balls or stick to the eye question. (sigh). Wait, would I have to give the rim job with my OWN tongue? I think Bill O'Reilley's used to having his tongue up his own ass, so I'm sure he wouldn't mind.

  14. Get Rich Stripping in a Skanky Bar or Get Rich as a Call Girl for Celebs? You can get rich doing either? Damn, where do I sign up?!

  15. Which Threesome - Boy/Girl/Girl or Boy/Boy/Girl? Done the boy/girl/girl thing. I can't say I'd enjoy the boy boy girl thing, but if I had to I'd want to know I'm way hotter and better endowed than him.

  16. Flavoured Oil or Tingling Oil? Flavored oil first... then tingly oil... then flavored oil.... then tingly oil.... then a poultice.

  17. Pearl Necklace or Swallow? Based on my experience, a guy needs to give expensive jewelery in order to have a shot at the swallow thing. So maybe it should read "Pearl necklace THEN swallow." But what if she doesn't like pearls? Do I have to buy diamonds instead?

  18. Sex While Strangers Watch or Sex With a Stranger? Well that depends. Are the strangers a gaggle of Hooter's girls awaiting their turn? Now that I think about it, that might make both options true, don't ya think?

  19. Tied to the Bed or to a St Andrew’s Cross? St. Andrew's Cross? Is that some weird religions kinky thing? Since I'm apparently naive and don't have the guts to consult the Oracle on such a subject in a public area of the airport, I'm going to go with tied to the bed.

And there you have it, nineteen reasons why you, ladies, should avoid me like the plague.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

It's all about me

So I'm sitting here in my newly spotless room and might I say that when I get this pigsty cleaned up it totally rocks as a man's room. Women beware: walking in here may very likely result in an irresistible desire to get naked. At least I can hope.

Now I'm here, wondering what to do for our visit today. And I got nothin'. Dead end. For some reason today my super highway of creativity has run smack dab into the solid wall of... something that prevents creativity. Now how's THAT for an analogy? Take that, actual wordsmiths and others capable of stringing together a coherent sentence. It's probably due to the conspicuous lack of espresso frothed together with 12 ounces of hot milk.

Yeah, I know it's after 10am, but we're not in Italy, so sue me.

So what does one do when the desire for being a witty fucker eludes? Yes folks, that's right, he does a meme. I'll grant you it's not only lazy but overdone and also a little gay, but hey, it beats me rambling on for paragraphs about how little sex I'm getting.

Doing a meme today also allows me to pirate the idea from someone else AND still feel as if I've accomplished something resembling actual work. To my credit though, I did add some questions I just felt like throwing in there. These things can be so mundane without some really juicy tidbits, don't you agree?

Rules are simple in this one. It's just a Yes or No thing. No explanations, no preamble. Just on or off; 1 or 0; black or white. To know more, you gotta comment or email.

  1. Over 21? Yes
  2. Danced in front of your mirror naked? Yes
  3. Ever told a lie? Yes
  4. Been arrested? Yes
  5. Kissed a picture? Yes
  6. Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes
  7. Held an actual snake? Yes
  8. Ever run a red light? Yes
  9. Ever drink and drive? Yes
  10. Been suspended from school? Yes
  11. Ever been fired from a job? Yes
  12. Totaled a car/motorbike in an accident? Yes
  13. Sang karaoke? Yes
  14. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes
  15. Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Yes
  16. Ever gone "under the knife?" Yes
  17. Ever laughed until you wet yourself? No (damn, finally a 'no' answer!)
  18. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes
  19. Kissed in the rain? Yes
  20. Sang in the shower? Yes
  21. Sat on a rooftop? Yes
  22. Been to a foreign country in which you didn't speak the language? Yes
  23. Thought about your past with regret? Yes
  24. Been pushed in the pool with your clothes on? Yes
  25. Skinny dipped? Yes
  26. Shaved your head? No
  27. Blacked out from drinking? Yes
  28. Had a gym membership? Yes
  29. Been in a band? No
  30. Fired a gun? Yes
  31. Liked someone with nobody else knowing about it? Yes
  32. Played strip poker? Yes
  33. Been to a strip joint? Yes
  34. Donated Blood? Yes
  35. Liked someone you shouldn't? Yes
  36. Have a tattoo? Yes
  37. Been to jail? Yes (and why would this one follow the tattoo question?)
  38. Have or had any piercings? Yes
  39. Made out with a complete stranger? Yes
  40. Had a one night stand? Yes
  41. Caught someone cheating on you? Yes
  42. Felt like dying? Yes
  43. Regret any of your ex's? Yes
  44. Been to a rodeo? Yes
  45. Been to a NASCAR race? No
  46. Been in Love? Yes
  47. Met a celebrity? Yes
  48. Been on TV? Yes
  49. Know how to cook? Yes
  50. Like motorcycles? Yes!
  51. Bungee jumped, skydived, based jumped, etc? Yes
  52. Slept outdoors? Yes
  53. Spent the night in a snow cave? Yes
  54. Slept with someone knowing you didn't like them? No
  55. Smoked? No
  56. Ever done drugs? No
  57. Thought you were going to drown? Yes
  58. Play an instrument? No
  59. Driven cross country? Yes
  60. Ever known someone could see you naked, but didn't cover up? Yes

And there you have it. Sixty things you never wanted to know about me. Seems there were a lot of "yes" answers in there. Maybe I'm more experienced than I thought. Or more depraved. Same same.

Friday, May 02, 2008

A dream job?

I'm working on a post as we speak while simultaneously listening to my weekly regional management conference call and I had a thought:

I never thought I'd work for a company where I'd be conducting interviews for nurses and therapists who are "swallow certified."

That just gives me a whole new appreciation for my job potential.

- The Number of People Stunned by My Mediocrity