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Effortlessly Average

Sort of half-heartedly leading the charge into mediocrity since, oh, let's say around 1987 or so.

My Photo
Location: Roaming (additional charges may apply), Argentina

Proof that with internet access and a powerful laxative, even insipid people will blog; the place where your excellence and my mediocrity collide; where my Karma whips ass on your dogma.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

The Countdown Begins...

I'm going to be gone for a while. I'm on the move! As of the date of this here post, I'm officially unemployed again. Tomorrow, BuddhaWife becomes the same. I pick her up from work and we spend the next 4.5 weeks on the road. I plan to keep a journal the whole time - call it a mind quest or journey of self-discovery if you want - so check back from time to time for updates. Otherwise... I'll see everyone in, uh, however long that timer thingy up there says.

I'm out!


Monday, August 21, 2006

The Pompetus Of Love, Whatever The Hell That Is.

Well well well...

Just call me "the Love Master!" But don't say it like this: thelovemaster. Say it like you would the word "Sassy." You know what I mean. Let's all say it together, the way it's meant: Sssssssasseeeee. And now... The luuuuuuvv MAStaaaaa.

According to this, That's one area of my life where I'm not Effortlessly Average.

This Is My Life, Rated
Take the Rate My Life Quiz


"Love: Your love rating is a measure of your current romantic situation. Sharing your heart with another person is one of life's most glorious, terrifying, rewarding experiences. Your love score is very high, which means you are in a very happy situation right now. Do all you can to keep it strong."

Not only is my Love Score high, but it's sooo freakin' high they want my advice on how I keep myself in such lovetastic shape:

"Your Love score is very high, much higher than the average. If you wouldn't mind, please take a little time to explain how you manage to succeed so well at this aspect of your life. Your words may be read by someone else who scored very low. Take a moment to give them some useful advice. Your thoughts are very much appreciated."

Followed by a box in which I can imbue the masses of my enviable wisdom regarding love. And not only is it high, it's "very high" and "much higher than the average." Yeah, and that ain't all that's greater than average, baby! (note to parents who may read this: I'm talking about I.Q., ok?) Still, I always knew I had a "love thang," but now it's confirmed! The internet said so! And we all know Al Gore's invention will always lead us down the path of righteousness.

Speaking of righteousness, I don't understand why the hell my Spirit score is higher than my Mind score. Wasn't I nicknamed "Spock" in college? Of course I was, but how would you know that? That's a dumb question; forget I asked. What you may know if you've read this blog for more than 5 minutes is that I'm not what one would call religious. So imagine my amazement when, after noticing my spirit score outpaced my mind score, I read this:

"Spirit: Your spirit rating seeks to capture in a number that elusive quality which is found in your faith, your attitude, and your philosophy on life. A higher score indicates a greater sense of inner peace and balance. Your spirit score is relatively high, which means you are rewarded by your beliefs."

Ohh-kaay. But what if you generally believe that not only is the glass half empty, but what remains is mostly backwash? And not only is it backwash, it's got those little floaty things in it that make you wonder who ate Saltines before drinking from the cup? How does their statement mesh with that? And how about the number of times I've been called to task by people who don't share my realistic view of humanity? As of this moment, my friends, I don't have to withstand the slings and arrows any longer! Now I can stand tall in my burnt sienna unitard (emphasis on "tard") with my hands on my hips and shout before the assembled congregation "I'VE GOT SPIRIT, YES I DO! I'VE GOT SPIRIT, HOW 'BOUT YOU?!"

Friday, August 18, 2006

I Be Trippin'

That's it, I'm outta here.

Well, not really "outta" here, I'm just leaving town.

For a few days.

To go sit naked around a campfire with the entire Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader team. Because that's what you're supposed to do when you go camping; you can look it up. And some of you out there might be saying "I did look it up and it's not true." In which case, well, it may just be me.

At any rate, I won't be around for the next few days. Instead, I'll be lounging by the luke warm, ear infection-causing water trying to beat the 4,000 degree Texas heat, all the time thinking about all of you out there who don't read my blog in the first place and therefore won't miss my not posting till Sunday night. Or Monday. Or whenever I get around to feeling like maybe motivating myself to thinking about posting. I'll miss you all while I'm gone. All four of you.

And I may also be wondering if there are any alligators in that water.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Since I'm in the Mood to Bitch

... the war in Iraq
... Unrest in the Middle East
... Taliban resurgence in Afghanistan
... Record oil prices, ergo, record gas prices
... Vets experiencing difficulty finding jobs after service
... 32 MILLION Americans without healthcare (and that's not counting the illegals)
... The largest buildup of government intrusion in U.S. history
... Debate over constitutional ban on gay marriage
... The largest budget deficit in the history of humanity

All serious subjects to be sure, and ALL are current events. And, living in the Houston area - which, by the way, is the 4th largest market in the U.S. behind New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago - we have all manner of local news that affects all Houstonians (or is it Houstonites?):

... Rising gang activity in once quiet, gang-banger free neighborhoods
... Slower housing starts
... The rising cost of energy
... The fact that we still house nearly ALL of New Orleans' poor and criminal elements
... Growing dissatisfaction among police with the way the department is being led
... Increased illegal alien activity
... The ever present threat of hurricanes
... Widespread recent flooding due to extreme thunderstorm activity
... Losing our bid to host the Olympic games
... or even the great news that Houston is still exceptionally affordable despite being such a large city and that jobs are a dime a dozen here.

Yet I almost spewed my coffee when I unfolded the front page of the Houston Chronicle's Sunday edition to find this was what the editor considered THE MOST IMPORTANT STORY OF THE WEEK:

"Back to School: A Crash Course on Day 1 Fashion"

All I can say is, What. The. Fuck? Was there a "switch jobs with your 16 year-old daughter" day I missed? Oh. My. GOD I am glad my kids are homeschooled.

Pick up French Dictionary, Ass!

George W.: proof that if you get the fools on your side, you can be elected to anything.

"The problem with the French is they don't have a good word for entrepreneur."
-Bush, speaking to British Prime Minister Tony Blair regarding France's declining economy.

What a dumbass. It'll take decades to repair the damage that asshat has done to the U.S. world reputation. Did I just use "ass" twice in one paragraph to describe the president? heh.

- The Number of People Stunned by My Mediocrity