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Effortlessly Average

Sort of half-heartedly leading the charge into mediocrity since, oh, let's say around 1987 or so.

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Location: Roaming (additional charges may apply), Argentina

Proof that with internet access and a powerful laxative, even insipid people will blog; the place where your excellence and my mediocrity collide; where my Karma whips ass on your dogma.

Thursday, June 12, 2008


So I'm working on this deep, philosophical post about a major life change that I'm about to go through. And it's got everything: sex, drugs, music, boobies, drama, opinion, sword fights, escapes, adventure... you name it; it's in there.

But it's taking me a while because The Man has me preoccupied.

So in lieu of an actual post, I'm going to throw out there a lazy blog just to let you all know I'm thinking about you even when so many of you couldn't give a crap about me. heh. Think about it this way: you'll be back on your porn site (or Perez Hilton's) in two minutes flat.

A) Four places that I go over and over again: Starbucks, California, Home, State of Denial

B) Four people who e-mail me (regularly): My kids' homeschool group, myself (I send myself emails when I want to remind me to do something), The "enlarge your penis in two minutes a day" people, Some schmo in Nigeria who wants me to believe he's an African royal who's trying to protect his country by using me to transfer $100,000,000 using my name and will pay me a 1% gratuity if I front him $10,000 (I'm seeing how long I can keep him on the hook).

C) Four of my favorite places to eat: Home, with family; a little cafe in Santa Monica that looks out over the beach; another small cafe in Mexico that serves an amazing tomato and cheese salad (only been there a couple times, but man if I could go there more often...); oh, and I suppose Chili's.

D) Four places I would rather be right now: traveling in my RV; somewhere I've never been before; somewhere private with someone I love; in Eva Mendez's knickers.

E) Four TV shows I watch over and over: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson; The "George W" Down Home Denial Channel; Survivorman; the day's material from the camera I've hidden in Dick Cheney's bedroom.

F) Four people I think will respond: FBI; DHS; George's mommy; my fellow punk bandmates: "The Squishy Tumors."

Friday, June 06, 2008

Humor for 12-Year Old Boys; and Men, Too

So we're back at the hotel, avoiding the sun blistering mid-day heat, and what do I do? I log into my blog to entertain you fuckers. Cuz I'm nice that way, dammit.

Anyway, I ran across this in my inbox. No, the one on my computer. Yes, the electronic one. I'd suggest you relieve yourself first, because we don't want anyone wetting themselves while watching. Pay particular attention to the looks on the faces of the women at the mirror.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Lock Up Your Daughters, People

So I'm out visiting the Lounge, and Miss Oki revealed to us that she's only "barely evil"; a mere "twisted." Personally I think that might be a bit generous, but hey, I didn't design the test and hey, she could have lied.

And lying on these tests is something I know a lot about. In an attempt to ensure that EA remains the same boring display of mediocrity you've come to lament (it's not just any rediculous collection of drivle; it's THE collection of drivle), I'll often take and retake tests of this nature in an effort to find the funniest result. Or just the result that makes me more interesting than I am in real life.

Oh, don't beleive a word of it; I'm damned interesting in real life. But that's not the point here.

The point is that tonight, as I read that Keri is only slightly evil and could, in fact, change her ways if she chose to, I decided I'm in the mood to answer the quiz in as honest a way as possible. Yes, folks, I decided to give an accurate picture of EA for once.

Why? Because eventually I'm going to date again and I don't want that woman to read this blog and run screaming for the hills. Or, perhaps I'm just lazy tonight. After all, I am in Disneyworld with FlyBoy and the Puffinator and we did walk about 40,000 miles today, so cut me some slack for crissake.

So I took the test. And I figured I was going to fall somewhere in the middle, much like Miss Oki. I mean, I've always considered myself somewhat of an average person: better than some, worse than others, so why shouldn't I end up in the middle? It asked a bunch of benign questions, like my favorite movie genre and the kind of music I listen to. Add all that usual trivia to my "kinda good/kinda bad" personality and I thought I'd be somewhere in the high point of the bell curve.

But no.

How evil are you?

Look how far that freaking arrow is to the side of evil! I'm so fucked. No wonder normal, lovely women don't like me. I guess all that's left is animal sacrifice and starting a plague during the Barney and Friends Revival on Ice.

Now if you'll excuse me I have some puppies to drown and meth to sell to pre-teens. I wonder if Dyck is hiring....


- The Number of People Stunned by My Mediocrity