Some Meme Time

So I'm into lazy blogging again. I'm sure it seems that I'm doing it a lot lately. But my plan is to run my last reader off asap, much like I do the women who express a shred of interest in me. My excuse today is that I'm in the airport yet again on yet another odyssey for The Man and don't want to drag y'all from your internet porn search for very long.

Despite the fact that something like fifteen of my last twelve posts have been memes, I'm nothing if not methodical when it comes to hammering out my to-do list. It took me forever to read those 700 entries on my RSS feeder and damn, some bloggers can really fill up page after page with what can be said in a few sentences. I should know; I do the same.

Now that I have them all read, I've got to catch up on a couple tags. This one is from this Phat Kat, that vixen from down under who could post about the size and consistency of her last bowel movement and 40,000 people would ping in to read. Plus, it's a meme about one of my favorite subjects: sex. Well, maybe not my favorite, but it's right up there with... oh, who am I kidding, it's basically my favorite.
I still have one more lazy blog (aka, meme) to complete and I'm sure I could just as easily claim that being having such an average mind, I forgot, but since it's been tasked me by a woman with a rack that just screams "motorboat," I'm going to put forth the effort to complete that last meme in a pitiful belief that it'll be so moving to her that she'll want to show me said rack. Yeah, and monkeys might fly out my butt, right?

This is more of a "get to know you" kinda thing. So just feel free to read on and discover why I'm not expected to get any action for many moons to come.

1. Sex in the Morning or Sex at Night? Considering how long it's been, I'd take it anytime, anywhere. But I'll admit sex in the morning is a fine way to start the day, especially if the previous night ended with getting laid. I'm also partial to middle of the night barely awake sex, boning in the shower, stairway sex, a quickie in the coat closet during the Christmas party, and the ever popular "nooner."


2. Better Sex Music - Sade or Marvin Gaye? Well, I'm all for respecting the talent and influence ol' Marvin had on the world of soul and R&B, but really, it's hard for me to get into the mood while listening to a guy named "Gaye." Personally I think I'd prefer George Winston or some kind of tribal chant to the god of mysterious virility, Jack Nicholson.


3. Naughty Pics or Naughty Home Videos? Both, but I think the video is hotter. I'm all for live action. Or, we could just take a series of still shots and flip through them like one of those stick figure stories you used to draw in the 7th grade when you should have been paying attention in Social Studies.


4. Fabulous Sex With: Dr Doug Ross or Dr Greg House? Um, either of those choices would mean I'd have suddenly decided to go inboard. And that would be a big negatory. Now if you want to throw a little Eva Mendez or Jenny McCarthy or Nell McAndrew in there, then I'll say I'd give up one of my three testicles to have ten minutes with any of the three of them.


5. Vibrator or Dildo? Well, my answer to this presumes that I'm USING them on a woman, not having either used on me. So, that out of the way, let me say that I do this thing with a vibrator and my tongue that... well, let's just say I've had no complaints.


6. Bedroom Sex: Lights Off or Lights On? On. Definitely on. And if there's a mirror somewhere where having those lights on allows a different view... well, so much the better!


7. Word Preference: Pussy or Cunt? Honestly? I can't say I like either. But I really don't like cunt. I mean I really don't like it. To me that's a vulgar word that's used to demean a woman. Now pussy I can get into (heh, pun intended), but I might start giggling. How about Whisker Biscuit instead? Fuzzy Doughnut? Tube Steak Wallet? Geez, you're so picky.


8. Spanking Over the Knee or Spanking Only During Sex? Well, I guess I don't really care, but it might be hard for me to concentrate which someone smacking my ass. Or did you mean I'm spanking her?


9. More Exciting: Sex in an Elevator or Sex in an Airplane? Done the elevator thing. Never the plane thing. Also done the movie theater thing. And the park thing. Frankly, there ain't no way I'm doing it in an airplane lavatory. Have you SEEN one of those things lately? I swear every man who uses one just whips it out and lets it fly around like an unattended fire hose. And I'm sure some of the women I've seen go in there do, too.


10. Ron Jeremy or Peter North? Um, why would I care about this? Other than to remind myself that I'm so inadequate compared to either? Of course, Ron's just a sleazy pig anyway, so I think I've got him beat in just about every category except dipstick length.


11. Linda Lovelace or Jenna Jameson? Ugh. Do I have to pick only between these two? How about if I instead give them Ron Jeremy's dick and they can do each other? Besides, look at my choices here: one's a deadbeat, overexposed, corpse of a porn star and the other's Linda Lovelace. Frankly I'd rather nail Hillary. Ok, maybe that's a bit extreme, but you know what I mean, right?


12. Rope Bondage or Bondage Tape? What ever happened to the silk tie? Is this what the kids are doing nowadays? Isn't "rope" and "bondage" sort of redundant? Well, I suppose you could use rope to lash your beer cooler to your lawn tractor... Still isn't sex supposed to be fun?! Rope burns or uprooted hair when removing tape doesn't sound like much fun for her. Or me. Or Hillary.


13. Give Rim Job or Receive Anal Sex? Huh boy, another knee to the balls or stick to the eye question. (sigh). Wait, would I have to give the rim job with my OWN tongue? I think Bill O'Reilley's used to having his tongue up his own ass, so I'm sure he wouldn't mind.


14. Get Rich Stripping in a Skanky Bar or Get Rich as a Call Girl for Celebs? You can get rich doing either? Damn, where do I sign up?!


15. Which Threesome - Boy/Girl/Girl or Boy/Boy/Girl? Done the boy/girl/girl thing. I can't say I'd enjoy the boy boy girl thing, but if I had to I'd want to know I'm way hotter and better endowed than him.


16. Flavoured Oil or Tingling Oil? Flavored oil first... then tingly oil... then flavored oil.... then tingly oil.... then a poultice.


17. Pearl Necklace or Swallow? Based on my experience, a guy needs to give expensive jewelery in order to have a shot at the swallow thing. So maybe it should read "Pearl necklace THEN swallow." But what if she doesn't like pearls? Do I have to buy diamonds instead?


18. Sex While Strangers Watch or Sex With a Stranger? Well that depends. Are the strangers a gaggle of Hooter's girls awaiting their turn? Now that I think about it, that might make both options true, don't ya think?


19. Tied to the Bed or to a St Andrew’s Cross? St. Andrew's Cross? Is that some weird religions kinky thing? Since I'm apparently naive and don't have the guts to consult the Oracle on such a subject in a public area of the airport, I'm going to go with tied to the bed.

And there you have it, nineteen reasons why you, ladies, should avoid me like the plague.