Turning Point?

Hey everyone-


I'm laying low. Thanks so much for all your comments and offers of support. I don't know if she still reads this blog and if she does she never lets on, but I wanted to drop in to let you all know -should you be wondering- that I've come to a decision.

We talked tonight. When we started I told her I'd decided I just can't live for years feeling so disconnected from her but still being married, so I was going to file for divorce tomorrow. She asked if I knew where to go. I told her no, because I don't want this at all. Then we started talking. No accusations thrown about and for the first time it was intense without turning into a fight or a litany of who did what to whom. That's a big step for us. While she never let on (because she's reached the point where she doesn't know what to expect), I think she still wants it to work but just has no faith that it will. I hope I'm not wrong, but I think she loves me but feels afraid to give me positive signs because I latch onto them as proof that everything will be fine and then, when she does something to tarnish that hope (correction: something I perceive as tarnishing that hope) I swing the other way into despair. And the roller coaster ride that has become our relationship has pushed her to the point where she almost doesn't care if what she does hurts me. I think that if we'd had more communication both of us may have acted very differently.

The fact is: I love her. I've never stopped loving her. I feel as strongly for her today as I did when we married. I'm also an emotionally expressive person who too often has allowed his feelings to direct his actions. Tonight I laid myself bare without making it sound like an indictment against her. I sincerely told her I'm sorry for everything and that I still love her dearly. And that I do NOT want a divorce.

We had dinner together and it seems we both felt comfortable -somewhat- around each other. I asked her to watch a movie with me and she said maybe, but when she didn't come down I didn't take that as a sign of rejection. That was a big step for me. She was noncommittal, but I understand why. Tonight was good, but she has no faith that it has staying power. She's seen me act one way yet tell her I felt another. I suppose we both have to some degree. For my part I've been more focused on my own pain than figuring out what she needed.

So I made a choice tonight. I'm making one last ditch stand for my marriage, for a whole laundry list of reasons. Regardless of what she decides to do, I've decided to start acting like the man I know I am. She doesn't have to believe it, but I love her. No one will ever love her more and while I've done a piss poor job of showing it, I've always respected her as well. So... I put my ring back on. And I'm going to try to think more about her than my feelings. For the first time in months, I felt good around her. If she ultimately decides to divorce me anyway (in which she said she's in no hurry; could that be because she doesn't want it, but doesn't want to say so? We'll see) then I'll remove my ring for good. As of right now, we're still married, and I'm still in love with her and feel lucky that she ever picked me in the first place. I can't feel that way but act like we're divorced; so the ring stays on until this is settled. I'm not a religious man, blogosphere friends, but I found myself muttering a clumsy prayer when I put this ring on a couple hours ago, that I never, not ever, have to remove it again.

Thanks so much for your well wishes everyone. It's a great comfort to know there are people out there with whom I can share.