The Cliff-Notes Version

I had a big, long post all written out, but I just don't feel like posting it now. I'm feeling really... weird... lately. I won't bore you with the details except to say I really, really wish I had some friends here with whom I could share a beer and a few laughs. I think I could really use some of those right about now.

I wish I could sort out my emotions of late, but I'm finding that hard to do. So let me give you the short version:

I feel unattractive, undesirable, incurable. I've tried to write the posts I've promised before, but frankly inspiration eludes me when I feel this way. I recently spoke to someone for whom I have enormous respect (but feel I won't be able to know much longer) and I'm left with the feeling that the worst parts of me were shown to her and it's poisoned any respect or admiration she ever had for me. I feel like I must be insane to agree to what I've recently been asked to do, mostly because I'm just not sure how to be what I need to be for it to work, but a bastard if I don't agree. I'm afraid to move forward; yet terrified of standing still. I feel like I'd be better off in life if no one really knew me too well again.

Virtually everyone likes me when they first meet me; but a precious few know the whole me and remain. Certainly this has been the case with women. And I'm just not certain I can handle having my heart broken again. So where does one turn when all they cherished before seems suddenly tenuous? Even this admission feels like handing further ammunition to those who would define me as damaged goods.

I just don't have the energy required to figure it out. Autopilot... on.