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Effortlessly Average

Sort of half-heartedly leading the charge into mediocrity since, oh, let's say around 1987 or so.

My Photo
Location: Roaming (additional charges may apply), Argentina

Proof that with internet access and a powerful laxative, even insipid people will blog; the place where your excellence and my mediocrity collide; where my Karma whips ass on your dogma.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

...A Thousand Words

So over here at EA we've received literally ones of letters insisting that we change the image photo. Seems thousands many a couple two of you don't like the one currently in use. Oh sure, many of you like what you see in it, just not the pose that hunk of manbeef is in. You say it potahto; I'll say it correctly.

But we also believe in giving the four people who read EA what they want, so here you go; boobies:

Huh. Must have been cold when this was taken. Not good enough? *dismissive wave of hand* Fine fine fine, anything for you. Never let it be said that we don't aim to please over here at EA.

There. Happier?

We'll pause momentarily so you four can satisfy your respective needs.




Good? Ok, back to business: that profile image.

For days now the crack staff at EA has been pouring (or is it poring? Pooring? We don't know; homonyms aren't are bag, baby) over image after image, in a quest to fall upon that one picture that would communicate that "just-right" message. In the end, we felt like falling on our swords. No, not that sword; an actual sword.

And of course there's the insinuation from another particular person out there that a better profile photo will improve [or maintain] my bang list status.

Yeah I know what you're thinking: has that person actually seen EA? Followed quickly by do they let mental patients and/or convicts blog? Or have conjugal visits? And I would have to answer that I've looked it up and the answer is no, although I'm not so sure about West Virginia; the law's a little hazy there.

Anyway, here we were -the EA crack staff- reviewing all these potential profile pictures when it hit me us, the aforementioned "crack staff": Why not let the fans of EA pick the photo?

Some of you might be thinking "hey, yeah! I'll feel like a part of it!" Others might be saying "sounds like EA is lazy blogging today." Others: "Psha! Show me the money first!"

And you'd be right on the first two counts. So there. And you'll get your money, Mom. Geez.

So without much more preamble, here are the pictures I've we've narrowed it down to, along with a remark or two as to why; if I feel like it. And if I don't decide this is totally fucking stupid, of which there is an increasingly high degree of probability. heh.

Feel free to pick your favorite (that's favourite, for those of you who don't habla English) and tell me so in the comments section. Or submit one of your own that defines how you see this here corner of my world. Hell, for the right incentive I'll use a picture of YOU even. Oh, and the legal staff here at EA insists that I mention that I tend to save pictures from a large number of sources. If you see one here that originated from you, consider credit given where credit is due and I'll hump your leg later. As an added precaution, I checked with the Pope:

And he said it was cool. Take it up with him, but I warn you, he looks a little too agreeable. Anyway, this is me, EA:

I look something close to this...

...when I'm alseep and dreaming, anyway. I mean c'mon, I'd never wear something like that. That's just... gay. and my package is far, far, waaay smaller than that. heh. Nevertheless, I've been faced with the bitch of all curveballs in life, but I'm trying to see it as an opportunity:

Even though I don't fucking want to have to. The knowledge that someone else will stand in my place, in all that that means, is hurtful beyond belief. To be replaced, tomorrow or next year or in three years, sucks. Or even to be cast aside for nobody. Still, you have to find a way to go forward. This picture represents the hope of blah blah blah a bunch of shit you won't care to read.

This one I just freaking like.

This says fun to me. It says casual conversation on a good day. There being two glasses, it says someone might be trying to get me drunk and make me do things Penthouse Letters wouldn't print.

This just says Holy crap what was he thinking!? to me. Of course, the LAX security screeners would likely still let him pass.

Self explanatory

Another one I just like. Something about two people, naked to the world yet side by side in a survival against the pointy edges of life's experiences just strikes a chord with me.

Funny. But as I'd like to get laid again I'm not sure this sends the correct message.

I want to flyyyy like an... uh.. eagle
to the sea...

Yes, yes; that's me. Often, I'm afraid. Yet despite it being true from time to time AND my attempt to both admit to- and learn from- my missteps, I nevertheless consider this image to be reserved for the likes of Dick Cheney, George Bush, Hillary Clinton, and anyone who truly believes in a localized "trickle down theory" on a global economic stage.

From the shameless "I want you" solicitation. Or, I could just be saying "c'mere and pull my finger."

...and from the primordial soup shall one day evolve a race of beings who will raise their collective voices to the heavens and proclaim to the cold stars above "yeah, I'll have a grande no-foam latte and two sticky buns!"

Like the waves on a sandy beach, so are our lives. Or some such crap like that.

Proof that the water might be calm right now, but you'll soon be digging sand out of your crack.

Mighty tongue, horny, fat as a cow... remind you of anyone?

Self descriptive and a fine PSA (that's public service announcement for those of you who've never been a celebrity caught jerking off in a public rest room and sentenced to "community service")

It took you this long to figure that out?

Someone once told me my emotions fly off me as if I'm on fire. heh. If that's true, I'm clearly pissed in this picture.

Or I'm just this guy. Which no doubt is what women see approaching when they spot me walking toward them.

Portrait from my childhood. Hey, I had a sty. Also the way I likely appear when I blog about how I feel about certain goings on this year. Or when Starbuck's adds too much chocolate to my mocha.

Sometimes that "one for the road" that sounded so good the night before turns out to have been a huge mistake the next morning

Hey, I betcha I can act my way out of here. I can also find my ass with both hands and a road map.

Yes, this is a green zone for this activity. I'm always accepting applications for the right individual and will provide knee pads if you so desire. heh. In an effort to better my chances, however, I've been working out:

As you can see, I'm really becoming ripped! Anyone have a band-aid? Cuz I'm gettin' cut!
And it certainly beats the alternative:

Although admitedly I never needed a date back then.

Nothing screams sexay! more than the right hairdo. Added bonus: hides the lobotomy scars well.

Pick a tooth; any tooth.

You can always tell I've gotten laid when...
See what I'm doing there? I'm writing notes for blogging about the experience!

Something about this one I really like. Sort of combines the whole "reach for the stars," "swing for the fences," "dream the impossible" concepts for me. I may not catch it, but I'm god-damned well going to try, even if it seems impossible to others.

Yeah, from time to time, especially if there's a chance at seeing you naked. Although you could substitute cash, car keys, my soul, or my penis for that credit card there.

No, your breath smells fine. Why?

Yes. But the box could be smaller. You have the one your engagement ring came in?

Another from the "inspiration" series. I grew up in areas like this. I've been on that exact road as a matter of fact, although I didn't take this picture. It speaks to me of possibilities; of adventure; of life and love and hope. Something about reaching for the horizon fills me with hope that maybe the next place will be just as exciting or even more exciting or, sometimes, less heartbreaking.
Which leads me to the last:

I would really love to feel "home" again.
So.... discuss...

- The Number of People Stunned by My Mediocrity