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Effortlessly Average

Sort of half-heartedly leading the charge into mediocrity since, oh, let's say around 1987 or so.

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Location: Roaming (additional charges may apply), Argentina

Proof that with internet access and a powerful laxative, even insipid people will blog; the place where your excellence and my mediocrity collide; where my Karma whips ass on your dogma.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

On A Crusade for Safety

So anyway, yesterday I was reading the news between bouts of working and selling Girl Scout Cookies for the Puffinator when I saw this story.

Virginia Lawmaker Introduces Legislation to Ban the Display of Genitalia on Vehicles

Well great. Just great. Where am I going to view my porn now? What's that? The Internet you say? What is this internet of which you speak? Feel free to send me examples of what I'm missing. Except you, Dyck; Satan would shake his head in dismay at the horror of what you've likely got stored on your hard drive. heh. Oh what the hell, send me that too.

Anyway, as I read the story I thought more and more well now that's just stupid. That's listening to Dr. Phil stupid. Or not crossing your legs on the Drop of Death water slide stupid. That's Mission Impossible III stupid.

It appears that this particular lawmaker seeks to ban those redneck truck accessories that resemble men's balls. Redundant much? As if there's such a thing as women's balls? Of course, I have yet to see all of you women who read EA so there may be a few select cases out there, but that's not the point.

The point is that this schmo is claiming as his reason for this ban that "they distract drivers."

Now I know how hard it is to keep your eyes on the road when driving behind a truck with a dangling set of monster clackers jingling in front of you, but really, let's be honest here. What he's really railing about is some constituent who pissed and moaned because his daughter asked what those things hanging from the truck were and he didn't have the gonads to reply "those are supposed to be testicles, honey, because the redneck hick driving that truck doesn't have any of his own. Or, perhaps they are the former property of the man to whom that woman driver used to be married." I guess the truck has more balls than that father. After all, anything to avoid teaching our kids about sex because you know how it is: you tell your nine year old that those things under the truck's bumper are balls and within two years she'll be out gang-banging the high school football team.

Instead, he writes his congressman. "*In suitably whiny voice* My poor innocent daughter saw a pair of fake testicles and I don't have enough of my own to tell her the truth, so I think you should ban them for everyone else. That way I can continue to shelter my ignorant child so she can learn about sex from her peers and watching internet porn that objectifies women."

Or something like that, I'm sure. Kids and the media being what they are today, though, the daughter was likely not asking what they WERE, but how they got so much bigger than the ones she's already seen on the internet.

Then I got to thinking. If these juvenile displays of bravado are being banned because they're a distraction, then they better dip their fountain pens and have the paper ready because there's a whole long list of additional "distractions" we need to eliminate. Here's a few that come quickly to mind, but not necessarily from EA's personal experience:

  • Bumper stickers
  • Cell phones, even those with hands free options
  • DWS - driving while sexy. And while we're at it, ban hot people from the sidewalks because they, too, might distract drivers driving by.
  • Billboards
  • Radios
  • Conversation among passengers
  • Touching yourself
  • Eating and/or drinking
  • Midget leg wrestling
  • Personalized license plate and license plate frames
  • Road head (both giving and receiving)
  • Reading
  • Applying makeup
  • Applying a full body oil-based moisturizer for that moist, glistening look
  • Writing your dissertation
  • Performing circumcisions and/or vaginal rejuvenation surgeries
  • Cooking
  • Brushing your teeth
  • Brushing someone else's teeth
  • Beating your kids (specific to my mom)
  • Convincing that hot chick in the car next to you that she should show you her tits
  • Firing your Glock at other motorists (specific to California)
  • Changing the radio station channel or switching CDs
  • Break dancing
  • Origami
  • Roof surfing
  • Republicanism a-la Dick Cheney (specific to my dad)
  • Sleeping
  • Picking your ear, then smelling your finger
  • Chinese fire drills
  • Being insane/scientologist (specific to Tom Cruise)
  • Dressing, undressing, or changing clothes
  • Astral projecting Mayan gods
  • Acupuncture
  • Filming sex acts (specific to Paris Hilton)
  • Calculating Pi to the 25th decimal place
  • Searching for a suitable place to hide the body (specific to New Jersey)
  • Clipping toe and/or finger nails
  • Flossing
  • Using a carrot to satisfy that annoying deep rectal itch

I think we can all agree that eliminating these additional "distractions" will make our roadways a far safer place to be.

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