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Effortlessly Average

Sort of half-heartedly leading the charge into mediocrity since, oh, let's say around 1987 or so.

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Location: Roaming (additional charges may apply), Argentina

Proof that with internet access and a powerful laxative, even insipid people will blog; the place where your excellence and my mediocrity collide; where my Karma whips ass on your dogma.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

A Little Meme Time

So King Dick Mitten (as he has requested I refer to him. Heh) has decreed that I must partake in the ubiquitous Meme. And as I'm being a lazy blogger today, I'll do as he commands. Besides, normal kings rectify their displeasure by beheading those who offend them, however as my research revealed, the Clitorian kings pleasure themselves by burying their "head" in the rectum of those who offend. And as that's just not a tradition I'd care to experience, the Meme seems like the path of least resistance.

Now. The Rules. I capitalize them because rules is rules and them's the rules. "Hey, these aren't my rules. Come to think of it, I don't have any rules."*

Anyway,

  • Rule #1: Post a link to the person who tagged you. Check.
  • Rule #2: Post the rules. Check.
  • Rule #3: Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself. Shouldn't this rule go last? I mean really, I'm still posting the Rules for crying out loud. Geez, gimme a minute here.
  • Rule #4: Tag at least three people. Ok... you... you.... and you! Oh, what the hell; you, too.
  • Rule #5: Make sure the people who tagged you KNOW you tagged them by commenting what you did. Huh? I'm not going to tell you everything I did. I mean, people already think I'm weird enough. If they also knew I sneak into their bathrooms at night to use their toothbrushes, I'd never get anyone to visit EA.

So here we go. Seven non-important things/habits/quirks about EA. Or was that six? Five? Dammit, now you're making me scroll up to re-read. See what happens when you list the rules all out of order?

...

Ok, six. Six things non-important. [insert looooooonnnng pause]. I'm hesitating not because I can't find six non-important things about me, but because I can't narrow it down to only six non-important things about me. Hmmm..... Ok, here's one

1. I'm a talker. Those of you who know me will be all like "NO, I never knew!" and I'll respond "Yes, I am." And if I'm confused or severely upset, I'll even talk to myself. Talking is how I work shit out in my own head. I don't know why, but I've done it since I was a very small child, which is probably why my parents thought I was possessed.

2. When I'm in the mood to talk to myself, but can't be entirely alone (like when I'm driving somewhere), I'll sometimes put my hand-free mic in my ear so it'll appear that I'm on the phone instead.

3. I gag at the smell of Gardenias. To me they smell like dog shit. Yes, I do mean dog shit. Not "they smell as bad as dog shit" but they literally smell like the piles of excremental bombs I had to remove from the yard as a kid so my dad could mow the grass. I've tried to use the Oracle to find info on why this might be the case, but all I could find was a reference in a blog about designing perfume, in which the author states:

"...An orange note could also work here, but be careful with the orange if you are adding Indole to the floral base, It can get a wee bit poopish. Because with Gardenia you want more of a rotting smell than poop. If (that is) you want to capture the essence of a full tilt Gardenia."

4. I drop my car into neutral whenever I'm at a traffic stop. I drive an automatic in which the gear shift is on the console between the front seats. From my position in the pilot's chair I rest my arm on the console and my hand on the shift lever and whenever I come to a stop I drop the car into neutral. I don't know why, but don't tell my insurance company that I do it, m-kay?

5. I speed read. Sort of. When I read a novel by an author who crams a 300 page story into 650 pages, I'll very often -at mundane parts- skip various sections of sentences or paragraphs so that I may still get the feel for what the author is saying, but not have to read every single word.

6. I can write alphabetic shorthand. It's a skill I learned in high school to prepare for note-taking in college, at which point, my high school teacher told me, the instructor will speak at a normal pace and you're expected to keep pace because (s)he will not pause to let you catch up. Alphabetic shorthand uses letters or groups of consonants to represent words, much like the version that used to be taught to the secretarial pool, but using the alphabet instead of symbols. In alphabetic shorthand, the sentence "Jerry likes his red mustache, but they do not like the foo Manchu look" would be written "Jry ks z rd mstch, b y d n k e fu Mchu lok."

So that's six. Six weird, wonderful things about this average schmo called EA.** Feel free to laugh out loud at me; I know you already do.

* I'll hump the leg of anyone who catches the obscure movie reference.
**Oh, and don't be surprised if these six end up on the next installment of the ubiquitous 100 things post.

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