Kids, Stay Off the Drugs!

You know how psychoanalysts believe that what we dream is indicative of the events we're currently experiencing? Well, keep that in mind as we continue.

I've had a recurring dream for years (I'd say, oh, maybe two or three times a year, thanks for asking) that I'm in college, it's the last day of finals, and I just then realized that I'm due to take the final exam in a class I'd forgotten I was even enrolled in. But in the dream I know that taking the final is unavoidable so I'm pittin' out about having to show up just to crash and burn horribly.

I've actually had this dream even when I was in college, which would explain why I was almost obsessive about committing my schedule to memory each semester. I believe this dream suggests I'm worried that I've done or forgotten something that will come back to bite me in the ass and I won't be able to avoid it; like sleeping with that witch Kathy in college or voting Republican in '92.

Then there's the dream in which I'm trying to get somewhere (chase someone, flee someone/thing, display my cat-like reflexes, etc) but no matter how much force I direct at my muscles I move like the air around me is as thick as molasses. So I'm forced to claw and grip the ground with my hands as I try to force myself forward. I suppose this one means I need to watch less TV and exercise more.

Last week, however, I had a dream I don't recall ever having before. And yeah, I do remember virtually all my dreams, so there. Like I said, I don't recall ever having a dream like this and I don't know what the hell it means.

It's dark. I'm chasing some guy in a, remarkably, molasses-free environment when we finally meet face to face for the epic kung-fu battle a la 70's martial arts movie. We're fighting in the courtyard of my undergraduate Alma Matter, but instead of being in Reno, it's perched on a leveled-off hilltop overlooking the southern end of the Las Vegas strip. I distinctly recall pausing in the fight (mentally, anyway) to ponder why my old university is somehow suddenly on the top of a mountain in Vegas that didn't used to be there.

Sensing I was going to ultimately kick his ass, my adversary turned to run, then... sudden scene change!

It's still dark. I'm still on my old university hilltop in Vegas. Me and my Lycra-suited side kick, Sonja, are fighting to keep pace with a stray dog who's running about the grounds. No, I don't know what kind of dog and it's not germane to the story, so focus. And yes, she does look hot in Lycra; we both do thankyouverymuch. What is germane, and frankly really freaking weird, is that every time this dog barks a vampire pops out of his butt. Well, not "pop" really, more like "oozes." And the only way we can stop them from emerging totally is to force feed a white pill to the dog just as the vampire begins to emerge.

Me: Sonja, get him!

Sonja: I'm trying dickwad (that's her pet name for me)

Dog: WOOF!

Me: Aw crap there's another one! Quick! Get the pill get the pill!

Sonja: [prying his jaws open, dropping in the pill, then holding it shut like she just dropped a grenade in there] Swallow you stupid mutt!

Me: Isn't that what your boyfriend says during sex?

Sonja: Watch it, doorknob, or you can do this yourself.

Me [looking at the dog's butt]: OK, it's back inside. Let's find something to muzzle him with.

Sonja: Hey, that's what your girlfriend says to me when you start talking.

Me: Har har

While trying to find something to keep the dog from barking, Sonja slips.

Me: Don't let go don't let go... aw dammit!

Dog: WOOF! grrrr WOOF!

Me: Dammit, the second one popped the first out all the way and he's prairie dogging again! You get the pill, I'll take care of the spawn!

So Sonja's struggling with this dog, trying to feed it pills to keep it from crapping out any more vampires, and I'm attempting to deal with the one that escaped the dog's ass.

Now I ask you, what the hell does that dream mean?