That's "V" for Victory... Or Maybe "Valedickwhoreian"

I've been nominated.

But before we go getting all excited here, it's ever so worse than simply being nominated for being a stupid blog. I've been nominated in the category of:

Most Likely to Suck Dick for Money.

Wow. I feel so... more than average. At long last I've been nominated for something. I don't know who did it, but I'm willing to say thanks by either pony'ing up a little free sex or punching him/her in the mouth, depending on how the voting goes.

Still, it is a "really fucking stupid blog award" so how orgasmic should I be, really? I mean, does winning mean you have the best stupid fucking blog, or the worst stupid fucking blog? And is it somehow better to know that you're blog is best among the really fucking stupid ones? What the hell; I say yes, yes it is.

This is the first time I've been nominated for anything in the blog world and while my easily distracted brain can conju... hey, did you know the the underside of the bottle cap on my SoBe GreenTea is printed with the words "Stiffler's Mom?" What the fuck's up with that? I personally didn't find Stiffler's mom to be all that hot. Hot enough to nail, I suppose, if I'd consumed a lot of alcohol or was 18, but either way I'm not sure that's a good indication of anything because in either state you'd pretty much nail anyone. Anyway, where was I?

Yes, the blog awards. Now I could find all manner of reasons why I'm so honored and touched and all that blah blah blah crap that makes you think of Sally Field's acceptance speach, but I won't. Why? Because I took the time to read much of the blog of each and every one of my co-monimees in this category and I have to say, I have no chance in hell of winning this thing. There are seven other people vying for the prestigious title of "Most Likely to Suck Dick for Money" and frankly I'm thinking at least four of them already do, so that kind of destroys the curve don't you think? I feel like that Central American teenager whose country sends him to the Winter Olympics as a PR move, but he's just so stoked to be going it doesn't cross his mind that he's going to get his ass kicked. My cluelessness was evident even in my announcement to BuddhaWife:

Me: Hey! I've been nominated for a blog award!

BW: Good for you. What's it for?

Me: "Most likely to suck dick for money."

BW: Um...

Me: It's the first time I've ever been noticed!

BW: But... "suck dick for money?" Didn't you say you only did that once and you were going

through your "who am I?" crap in college?

Me: yeah, but that was for FREE; this is about being paid!

BW: So you're looking for a career change?

Me: I dunno, perhaps. I can't say it would be bad to be paid to have all the sex I can handle.

BW [laughing]: You're such a slut.

Me: Not if I win this. Then I can graduate to whore!

BW: Good. Maybe I'll get a full night's rest for a change.

Me: So win/win then.

BW: Yeah.

Not that I'd want to necessarily win anyway, it's just that knowing I don't have a snowball's chance in hell relieves the pressure of having to pimp myself out for votes. God knows I already do enough of that for The Man (pimping myself, that is), so I don't really care to have to do it here; not when winning means I'm more likely than the next guy to learn to play the skin flute professionally. To do that and still be a guy who finds the male body rather gross, you must fall into at least one of the following categories:

• Be really desperate
• Be blackmailed
• Be Tom Cruise

I'm a lot of things, but thankfully I'm none of these. So the question becomes, under what circumstances would I suck dick for money?

Well, first I think it's important to keep an open mind. I mean there was a time when I thought sushi was disgusting and George Bush capable. Today I think sushi rocks and King George has done more to harm this country than disco music. So while my initial response to smoking pole is "eewwww, god no" I have to admit that I rather enjoy that BuddhaWife's attitude is somewhat lower on the ick meter. Clearly, there's something to it if you have the right frame of mind.

How to get into the right frame of mind is key then, right? I suppose I could watch a whole shitload of Queer as Folk, but that seems risky and might, in fact, cement my desire to scrub my mouth out with a wire brush and battery acid afterwards. It would also hinge heavily on whose dick we're talking. Just cuz I'm getting paid doesn't mean I'll blow just anyone who has my price in hand. And exactly how much money are we talking here? I mean, I may be a whore if I win, but I'd be a high priced whore for chrissake!

Still, I think my chances fall between slim and none. First, several of the people in my category are already, hopefully, cock suckers so the only real question is "would they do it for money?" I think if you'd be willing to lube the tube steak normally, getting paid would be a bonus, so I'd think throwing some cash into the mix actually ups their desire.

Furthermore, all have been nominated for awards on many other sites in may other categories, although all are sure to lose to that pied piper of the bovine herd. Poor, pathetic Effortlessly Average hasn't been nominated for anything ever and the only reason the hit counter continues to climb is because I enter to view the new posts I throw out there. Just being nominated feels a little like a pitty fuck.

EA also contains no fancy graphics, ads, or photoshoped images of me doing anything. It's a testament to the boring, the easily dismissed, the principle that in mediocrity we can all excel. Yeah, I know the template is uninspiring, but c'mon, would it be Effortlessly Average if it had a flashy site? I know the sunflowery part looks like something you'd see in a sleezy hotel from 1910. My competitors all demonstrate a far superior html skill or at the very least a willingness to pay someone to design a site for them.

Let's consider them in turn.

There's Karen. A quick look at her blog tells me she does this for a lot more than just to annoy other people with her insipid opinions. Which is good, since that's my job most days and I don't handle competition very well. Scrolling down the page, trying to read as much as I can to get a flair for "who she is," but not reading so much as to feel as if I'm wasting too much time (I'm a busy man, after all), I noticed that she's already been nominated for about a bazillion other awards, so I suspect it's only a matter of time before I see her on the Viewer's Choice Awards. What really struck me is two things: one, she's been nominated in the "Hottest Mommy Blogger" category and two, prominently displays a link to a site dedicated to the struggle, and ultimate loss, against cancer from a man named Eric. Now I ask you, how do I compete with that? The only thing that would make me lose worse to a woman like this is if she posted pictures of her boobs on a regular basis.

Then there's Annie. Within five seconds I knew I was going to lose to this woman because as her blog so prominently states, her site's now got more "bitchiness," and "a gaggle of whiny whores." Now how can a guy like me compete with that? Oh, and there's that Blogger's Choice Awards gif, too.

Next, we have Miss Britt. As with the others, hers is couched in overt sexual inuendo. Or just plain, come right out and say it, sex. And while mine's much the same way, she's got nicer boobs than I do, so again, I'm odd man out.

No Good Daddy trumps EA because, as his blog so proudly proclaims, it's his "dick in a box."

As for Avitable, who wouldn't vote for a guy who shared ice cream with Hitler and has such mad dance skills?

Karla is my odds on favorite in this category. After all, she already said she'd not only suck dick for money, but also drugs and illegal weapons. I think if push came to shove, we could also add black market babies and stolen Air Force radio parts to that list. Besides, she's a master baker and desires to have Carmen Electra's boobs pressed to her face. There's no way I can compete with that whole boob thing.

Finally, there's Pointless Drivel. Here's a guy who can give Dooce a run for her money on the best humor blog popularity contest and quotes Edie Brickell in his profile. No chance there.

I have little to offer when standing next to such obvious examples of the worste the blogosphere has to offer. But before you count me out, read this, then go here and throw down.