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Effortlessly Average

Sort of half-heartedly leading the charge into mediocrity since, oh, let's say around 1987 or so.

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Location: Roaming (additional charges may apply), Argentina

Proof that with internet access and a powerful laxative, even insipid people will blog; the place where your excellence and my mediocrity collide; where my Karma whips ass on your dogma.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

One Way to Get Yourself Fired

I know a guy at work who's friends with someone who, well, let's just say he's not big on working. According to Doug [name changed to protect the guilty], this friend of his has had 10 jobs in the last two years. Each time he decides to leave a position, however, he tries to get himself fired so he can collect unemployment benefits. I won't go into the various opinions I have about this man's work ethic, though. I only bring it up because Cart- er, Doug, told me how this friend of his pulled off his last spectacular firing and I thought it too interesting to keep to myself.

This guy apparently works - rather, worked - in a sea of cubicles, much like your typical Dilbert cartoon. Sitting at home one night, he found a website that allows you to download any number of hundreds of various ring tones for your cellular phone. Some of these ring tones are, shall we say, "adult only." That night he selected a particularly nasty rendition of two people having graphically vocal sex.

The next day he put his plan into action. He updated his ring tone, cranked the volume up all the way, and left his phone on his desk as he stepped out for the restroom. Instead of going to the men's room, however, he popped out into the hall and dialed his cell phone from the pay phone in the lobby. When voice mail picked up, he hung up. Then he dialed his cell phone again. After voice mail, he hung up and immediately dialed it again. And just to make sure everyone heard it, he redialed a fourth time, finally hanging up and strolling back into the office. When he arrived in his area, he was greeted by a sea of shocked faces.

Imagine inviting a new date over to your place for a home cooked dinner and a rented movie. After dinner the two of you move to the living room to watch the "Terms of Endearment" tape you rented in hopes of displaying a side that will score you mega points with your date. You insert the tape, push play, and sit down on the couch. The movie starts with the picture blazing onto the screen mid-scene; and it's then that you discover someone has not only replaced the "Terms of Endearment" VHS with a copy of "Nasty Anal Action," but left the movie right at the climax of a particularly graphic scene. Imagine the look on you and your date's faces just at that moment between when you realize what you're watching and your brain forces your muscles to leap at the VCR. That's the look that greeted him when he returned to his desk. And everyone in the office witnessed it.

He filed for unemployment last week.

- The Number of People Stunned by My Mediocrity