When in Rome...

Several years ago I took a sociology class as part of my undergraduate education. For our year-end thesis my group decided we wanted to study the dichotomy between how people perceive good and evil versus how they actually act in their day-to-day lives. We started with the premise that there is more to being good than simply not being bad. We developed an anonymous survey of open-ended questions to guage how people really think when there's no societal pressure to do good. More on that in a later post.

However, one of the questions was: "If you could have one wish, and it could not include money, what would it be?"

My answer has banged around in my head a few times over the years, but I've always thought, as an observer of human behavior, that I'd make a more intelligent choice than your garden variety human who's driven more by personal wants than societal needs. So what would I want if I could have anything? But it can't involve money? Hmmm.

Well, if I could make one wish, it would be that humanity would forget about all this pointless religious and political bickering and join hands in the spirit of harmony and peace. But then I think, is one wish really enough? Why not one more? If I had two wishes I could make, the first would be that humanity would forget about all this pointless religious and political bickering and join hands in the spirit of harmony and peace. The second would be for 30 million dollars a month to be given to me, tax-free in a Swiss bank account. Screw it; they're my wishes, so why can't I have one about money? After all, when you get right down to it all those platitudes about money not being able to buy you happiness are just so much wishful thinking. If I'm going to be miserable, I'd rather do it in a mansion than a shack.

You know, now that I think about it, if I had three wishes I could make, the first of course would be for all humanity to forget about all the pointless religious and political bickering, the second would be for the 30 million dollars every month, and the third would be for all-encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe. And why not? I can't tell you how gratifying it would be to have the ability to shut down the car of the guy who just cut me off in traffic. He'd be driving along, thinking he'd just gotten one over on me, then PTHHHPT!, his car would just shut off. And his hair would suddenly fall out. And his "thing" would shrink to something the size of a pencil eraser; something like, well, a pencil eraser.

And if I had four wishes that I could make, the first would be the crap about humanity definitely, the second would be for the 30 million, the third would be for all the power, and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought out slowly by Nell McAndrew and that model Leticia-somebody, I can't think of her name right now. Of course PJ can come too, and knowing her she's behind me one hundred percent here, I guarantee it.

Wait a minute, maybe the sex thing should be the first wish because, you know, being a guy, sex is one of the primary motivations in my life. So I should made that the first wish, because with the current state affairs in the world it could all go boom tomorrow, right? Then what do you got, y'know?

Now don't get me wrong, the humanity thing, yes, the thing about humanity would be great; that would be nice. But wait a minute, who am I kidding? No one's going to be able to get all those people on the same page. I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible, more trouble than it's worth! And sure enough you're going to have some windbag like Rush Limbaugh, Ted Kennedy, or some religious zealot come along with all their hot air and spoil it all. So -- we reorganize! Here we go. First, the sex thing. I'll go with that. Second, the money. No no no, I go with the power second, then the money. And then the harmony and peace.

Oh wait, jeez, I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay, wait; I need revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in hell! That would be my fourth wish. And, of course, my fifth wish would be for all humanity to forget about all this pointless religious and political bickering and join hands in the spirit of harmony and peace. Yeah, that's the way I'd go.