Actually, It's Quite Good On Toast

Before she left, wife and I had a deal: I do all the cooking; she does the cleanup. With my previous career, I was gone too much to do either, so it fell to her to both feed- and clean up after- our family. As a result "quick and easy" usually presided over "variety and healthy." When I took over the cooking I wanted to use fresh everything and infuse a bit of variety into our meals, so I hunt down recipes, experiment on my own, and routinely visit the International Section of the local super-mondo-mart. It's in these isles that I find many unusual ingredients and spices, which also fits in really well with the homeschooling of our kids in that we try to give them a cultural taste of other countries in addition to geography.

The other day I was at the giganta-mart searching for something along the stir-fry variety. I have in mind a shrimp-fest kind of meal for the weekend and was looking for something decidedly asian in flavor. I wanted something exciting, something original, something about which the kids would marvel at my culinary ability. Then in the Chinese isle, we ran across this:

Hmmm.... Several questions came readily to mind. What exactly does Ass Jelly taste like? Is it fruity, given its proximity on the shelf to the imported sliced mangos? How do they harvest it? Is it one particular kind of ass, or will the jelly from any ass suffice? Granted there are some truly inspiring posterior specimens out there, but even so I don't want to eat anything that comes from that particular part of the body since, to me, if an ass is producing jelly, something's seriously wrong. And what conditions must exist for an ass to begin producing jelly anyway? I've had an ass for quite some time and I'm pretty sure it has never produced jelly. Is it Ass Jelly as in "the jelly from the ass" or is it jelly "made from real asses?" And why is it green? Is this a pseudo-tribute to Soilent Green? Furthermore, what recipe can I make that would include this ingredient? "Eat up family! Tonight's cuisine includes my famous garlic and buttermilk mashed potatoes, steamed asparagus with a maple honey glaze, and a slow-cooked lamb roast served with an Ass Jelly sauce." Or "We're having a succulent lemon-mustard salmon with roasted carrots and for dessert, Ass Jelly ice cream!" No, it still sounds unpleasant, something along the lines of a sharp stick to the eye, although now I want some mashed potatoes.