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Effortlessly Average

Sort of half-heartedly leading the charge into mediocrity since, oh, let's say around 1987 or so.

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Location: Roaming (additional charges may apply), Argentina

Proof that with internet access and a powerful laxative, even insipid people will blog; the place where your excellence and my mediocrity collide; where my Karma whips ass on your dogma.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Yes I'm Here

I've had literally ones of people hounding me to update my blog -sigh- so I guess I should do something along those lines. Still, let me be honest here: I'm not sure I'm going to continue Effortlessly Average. See, I love to write, but I don't seem to get much interest in what I put down on this here blog thingy so I'm struggling finding reasons why it should continue. I do a bit of blog surfing myself - although not enough to be classified "excessive" - and it just feels like Effortlessly Average is much like the years I spent in high school. There are the cool blogs, on which people apparently wet themselves to be able to post. Then there are those blogs which are so segmented as to contain subject matter I just don't understand. And those which are for specific purposes, e.g., political, satirical, consumer-oriented, etc. And the sports blogs, and the punks, and the motorheads, and the smart kids who can't play sports very well and therefore didn't get the dates with the cheerleaders but you all sure came running to me when you were about to fail computer math didn't you? DIDN'T YOU??!!!

Ahem... anyway...

Finally, there's blogs like Effortlessly Average, which I started to chronicle the misadventures of the world's most average man, surrounded by above average people.

There are so many blogs to enjoy: Zazzafooky, You Had Me at Idiot, Disgruntled, Pinky's Brain, Zubegirl, and so many more. I'm kinda partial to Disgruntled and Zubegirl, mostly because they share the same "fuck you" attitude of which I've been accused as having.

In following the adventures of all these fine bloggers, however, I've noticed something that sets them apart from Effortlessly: ACTUAL READERS! Ok, ok; and perhaps talent, too, but let's just stick with ACTUAL READERS for now. Focus, people!

Signing up with a statcounter service only served to confirm my averagessness, as 90% of visitors to EA bail within a minute. Great. That sort of makes EA feel like the wrong bathroom someone just walked into and, after realizing their mistake, they quickly step out. Even my wife, who claims to not be able to write to save her life, started a blog quite some time after I started EA, and her hits are not only exceedingly more numerous, but her visitors actually stay to, get this, read her blog! Most of the people who ping EA, if you believe the stat-service, are search engine users looking for "sex with my brother" or "hot nurse to shave my balls." I mean really, they don't even know my brother, so why would they want to have sex with him? Then I'm forced to wonder, which brother? After all, I have three. Although I suspect they mean my older brother, since he's the one to whom I lost several girlfriends in the past. And I don't even want to know what they expected to find by searching for ball-shaving sexy nurses.

Now, keep in mind that this is NOT a cry for comments, ok you three readers? Please, I may be somewhat insecure, but I'm far from pathetic enough to attempt to guilt people into stroking my ego. All I mean is that I have one of those handy little counters at the bottom of EA (or is it at the side? I don't remember) and I've just not seen much action there. So I'm left wondering what is the delicate balance that separates exposing my thoughts and adventures, such as they may be, for only a few people and being just plain pathetic enough to appear to be talking to myself?

So far, I can't decide. On the one hand I really want to keep writing in it. But on the other hand, it feels like I'm gypping those few readers I have by taking so long between posts. I suppose I could remove the stat counter and close comments and just fool myself into believing more people read EA than People Magazine, but that just seems a little too, I dunno, emperor's-new-clothes-ian, don't you think?

I suppose I could try to boost my readership. But how? Well, here are a few items I think would make that stat counter click so fast it would need regular lubricating.

Option 1: Change the name to TomKat Updates and proclaim to have all the latest news on their lives, thoughts, movie deals, sexual proclivities, and stool samples.

Option 2: Proclaim to have the internet's largest collection of porn. Oh, and insist it's all FREE and no credit card is required.

Option 3: repeat the phrases "I like to deepthroat" and "smack my milf ass" 263,000 times.

Option 4: Change the text in the banner to: "Send this blog link to 15 people in the next 15 minutes and something really cool will happen on your screen."

Option 5: Or, change the banner to read: "For every 100 people to whom you send a link to this blog, Microsoft (or Nike, or M&Ms, or whomever; pick your mega-corp) will send you a check for $40,000 dollars."

Option 6: Change my profile to pretend to be a hot blonde nympho named Kelly, who lives in L.A. and started blogging to meet portly, middle-aged perverts whose frigid wives don't know they're blogging.

Option 7: Buy readers, just like I do my friends.

Option 8: Learn to write better.

Option 9: Create and release a virus that redirects web traffic to this site. Of course this first requires my learning how to create a virus, then how to avoid prison when come corporate fat-cat gets pissed about it and sicks the Feds on me. So I'll hold this one in reserve, I think.

Option 10: Change the name to "Die Infidel Americans!" At least that would boost my NSA readership.

Option 11: Claim to have proof that Anne Coulter is having Jesse Jackson's illegitimate love child.

Option 12: Offer free Viagra and Botox.

Option 13: Advertise as "The World's #1 American Idol Info Site!"

and, finally

Option 14: Fill the site with pictures of drunk college kids, videos of people dong stupid things, and intoxicated young girls doing things they likely regretted when they sobered up.

Now I only need select one, or several, of these fine options and just sit back and watch my popularity soar!

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