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Effortlessly Average

Sort of half-heartedly leading the charge into mediocrity since, oh, let's say around 1987 or so.

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Location: Roaming (additional charges may apply), Argentina

Proof that with internet access and a powerful laxative, even insipid people will blog; the place where your excellence and my mediocrity collide; where my Karma whips ass on your dogma.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Into A Broader World


Yes, I am back safe from Mexico. Some might say that traveling into the path of a Category 5 hurricane makes me a "Dumbass" (who? Oh... my dad, mom, brother, sister, friends, mailman, that guy I met on the street last week, my brother's 3-year old step son, some strangers in the airport), but I prefer the term "adventurer." Just wait till I travel to an erupting volcano so I can get some kick-ass pictures! (and if you think I'm kidding, I popped out to the Oracle as soon as I typed this to see what's out there. heh.) Anywho...

Due to recent, non-Dean related events I almost cancelled the Mexico trip, but decided that if I'm going to emerge from this feeling able to love again, I need to begin healing, for myself and my kids.
And that means memories that do not include her. That means reminding myself why I'm worth being married to despite how broken and undesirable this has made me feel and sorting out all the thoughts swirling in my head. It means accepting my role and the fact that she's going to say and do whatever she feels necessary to justify the results and heal herself. It's not all my fault, but it's not all hers either. It means letting go of the pain of feeling like a victim, both because I know I'm not and because it's counter-productive. And it means understanding that despite how uncaring it feels, she is, for now, going to display more understanding, compassion and caring for just about everyone else than she does for me, although she likely believes she's treating us all the same.

Finally, it means remembering I'm a good man, a good husband, and a good father and that while I may have my share of baggage, it's not so much that it requires an army of porters to haul around despite the fact that I've often made a bigger deal of it than it really is, but in reality it's only one bag, and yes, it will fit into the overhead compartment. If someone wanted to, they could of course point to any number of issues from my past in an effort to compile a laundry list of transgressions (of mine and my family's) to use as a reason to deem me unworthy. What I need to do now is remember that the list of positive qualities is far greater, and have a much greater impact on those around me.

I have many, many stories to tell, from trying to find a way to dodge the hurricane to trying to avoid getting lost in the streets of Cuernavaca. I felt like Hemingway sometimes (in spirit, not in talent): sitting in cafes in small towns writing longhand in my leather-bound journal while watching the rain fall and sipping Mayan Coffee.

I met some amazing people along the way: three Belgian girls backpacking across Mexico; a Brit who comes each year to keep up on her Spanish; a Merida school teacher who showed me around the town square; many people fleeing the hurricane; and a French-trained chef who taught me to make tamales and other authentic Mexican cuisine. Oh, and I got to watch Cars in Spanish, too. You know how funny it is to hear Lightening McQueen say "Ca-chow!" with a Mexican accent?

Each day I attempted to write in my journal. I received a very nice leather-bound journal for my birthday and took it with me to record my ideas, experiences and thoughts. And I had many of all. I figure I'll share those with you by reprinting them here. This trip was an odyssey of discovery in more ways than simply being in a country I've never seen before. I realized things about me - both good and not so good - that have helped bring me another step closer to self-retribution. But I'll mention that a lot more in the actual posts. Glad to be back, although not so glad to be back at work. heh. But, I've got bills to pay.
One thing I did realize while gone is that travel is all I want to do going forward. I want to take FlyBoy and the Puffinator all over this wide world, so we're already planning our next trip, sometime early next year. Much closer to today, however, I have to find something to do with my three day weekend this weekend. Any ideas?








Ik hou van jou,
K.

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