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Effortlessly Average

Sort of half-heartedly leading the charge into mediocrity since, oh, let's say around 1987 or so.

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Location: Roaming (additional charges may apply), Argentina

Proof that with internet access and a powerful laxative, even insipid people will blog; the place where your excellence and my mediocrity collide; where my Karma whips ass on your dogma.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

One Toe in the Water...

Things here are tough, on both of us. I know we still very much love each other. But the feelings are too raw to maintain perspective when we're orbiting each other every day. She needs space; I need a chance to evaluate where I fit into this big universe.

This last several weeks has been torture. I have felt helpless that one of the most wonderful people I've ever been blessed to know appears to be drifting away from me. I have been scared. I have felt insecure. And it has made me feel insignificant and abandoned and act in ways I'm not proud of.

But through it all I've also come to realize things about myself that I was never willing to face before. All I can say is I am coming to grips with how to handle my emotions when I'm hurt, but it takes time; time that I hope and pray she's still willing to grant. Most times I feel stronger, and for the first time I can recall, I finally know where my solid ground lies.

We've been through a lot, she and I. She has inspired me to challenge my conventional ways of thinking; to open my eyes to the greater world around me. But something always seemed to be missing. I felt as if I'd gone 8/10ths of the way there, yet just couldn't make that final step. BW once posted on our travel site that she had finally found her "church;" that in the process of the most mundane task her epiphany came and she knew where she fit into the universe. I was happy for her and a bit envious because while I felt significant and worthwhile, I didn't feel that I mattered.

So it is now that I realize what wonderful friends I have found over the last few years, some of whom have stood where I stand now. I don't know how I got lucky enough to have the friends I do; friends I didn't even realize I love so much until this last month. I wish I had them here every day to hug and laugh with. They all mean more to me than I'm able to articulate here and I hope they understand when I see them this weekend if I hug them just a little longer than I used to.

From their thoughts and heartfelt affirmations of support I have found comfort and hope that BW and I are not over yet. In the words of one:

"...I have always enjoyed the beauty of how different you and [BW] are and yet how perfectly you fit together. It is a falsehood and a lie that either of you would be better off without the other. There is hope for your situation brother…it may not look like it to either of you right now, but seeing your situation from the outside, I assure you there is hope!"

Clearly the way I've dealt with my feelings is not productive. I have learned so much already but I need to continue to learn how to silence my inner critic who just loves to fill in the gaps and write his own endings to the things BW doesn't say. As another dear friend advised:

"...Are you being true to yourself? Are you willing to work for this, even if it means coming out of your comfort zone to the point of complete breakdown of all your thoughts on how this is, should be, or would be? It's hard to cry, think, share, and go through the emotions if you are not able to be in a space where you can be authentic. It's a most selfless act to stand by someone's side like that. And it's a gift of love, respect, and courage for one to support another like that. It's not giving up or a final decision. It's space."

And she's right. I have not been true to myself. I've let my fear and insecurity command my actions. Sometimes I've been in control of them; other times they spiral right out of control again. But changing that isn't a one-time event. You can't weed your garden once and expect it to stay weed free. It'll take time; it'll take work on my part. But in the interim I need to remember that some of the hope I have can come from what BW has not said. She hasn't said she wants a divorce. As a matter of fact, she's said "that's not what I want" when the subject has come up. Yes, we both accept that it's a possibility, but there are so many other things that would have to happen (or not happen) in between now and that step. I know there are no guarantees, but I choose to believe this is not the end of us. She is my best friend. She makes me laugh.

She is my Family. I choose to support her, even in this, even if it sometimes
makes me want to cry myself into a coma over fear that it's another step toward
never waking up next to her again.

She told me once not long ago that I was making this a bigger deal than it really is. I think we both agree it's serious and she's pulled no punches in saying there's a chance it won't work out. But at the same time we both know there are many reasons to stay together; it just has to be happily together, because neither of us likes the person she becomes when she feels disconnected from those she loves or the person I become when I feel like I don't matter to her.

It's just space. It doesn't have to end in divorce, but I do understand that she's been dealing with her issues too long to just accept that on faith. I'm going to have to show her I'm serious about being true to myself and letting her be who she is because I do not want to change her. I married her for who she is, not to change her into someone
else. And that means I have to deal with my own insecurities, on my own. And
when I think about it pragmatically, she's not acting like someone who wants to
escape me forever; she's acting like someone who's tired of the same conversations and just wants her own space and time to figure things out. As she said yesterday, it'll be just one toe in the water with me for a time. I think if I focus on the positive and try to understand not only how she feels but how I interpret and react to both our emotions, we have a chance to continue forward together.

So I accept that the heartache of this change, challenge, and grief, is NORMAL. That I must embrace every feeling as an accomplishment to healing. I know now that it's the storm within that allows for the calm to come. If it were not for this, how is growth measured? What would we have for those that need our experience in the future? This time is something that should not be minimized or thrown away. We allow, we grieve, we conquer, and then we share for those that need it later.

So I ask.....What is good? That can be the daily question to build upon. For me, today, it is my final understanding that I have a place in the universe that doesn't hinge on my ability to be envied by others for who I am or what I own. It is an allowance for the love I have for my son and daughter in continuing to build upon that new found security. There are people in my life that look to me for their growth and with that I choose to grow myself. I finally see a change in the way I view the world that I find
exciting. I am alive, and I have choices, dreams, ambitions, goofiness, and laughter. I will continue to love, honor, and cherish my wife. She's not perfect; neither am I. But she's what I want. And more than that, I want us to be happy together.

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